is your mom at the bar?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
