man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
