I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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