Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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