i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
