hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
