You really coming over, don't trick.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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