At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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