I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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