Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
