I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
