Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
