Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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