Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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