My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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