Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
