Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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