I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
