Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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