I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
