you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
