It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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