I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
