remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
