You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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