I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
