she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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