my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
