New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
