so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
