and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
