just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
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