I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
