is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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