I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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