I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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