Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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