I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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