They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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