Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
