You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
