she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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