She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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