Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
