im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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