he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
