Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
