I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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