Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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