My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
