I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
