Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
