Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
