Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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