he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
