How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
