ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
